
In this year, we have had many tragedies occur in our world. We have all been collectively affected by the events, which has left us attempting to understand and come to terms with the reality in which we now live. Developmentally, children look at the world from a black and white perspective and what we are experiencing is certainly grayscale to say the least. Parents are struggling to understand our new existence, and children, who may not be able to put their feelings into words, are expressing their struggle through play.
An article, “How children process grief and loss through play,” by Emily Kaplan in Edutopia, explains that within imaginary play children can heal from distress and regain control of their feelings. As a therapist who uses play in a therapeutic way, I couldn’t agree more. This type of play is critical at this point in time due to the events happening in our world. Just as adults can be overwhelmed by all of the world events and work through this by engaging in discussions, children can demonstrate a feeling of overwhelm and process these feelings within their play. However, just as adults can become stuck in their thoughts, children can enter into unhealthy play. As parents it is our responsibility to look for any warning signs within our children and decide if and when to seek help. On the other hand, we should also be aware of what healthy healing play may look like so that we do not become alarmed when it occurs. I have found that some parents struggle with fully understanding their child’s play, which makes these concerns very valid. Let's look at some points to help alleviate concerns:
Is repetition of the play okay?
Parents have confided in me that they are concerned about how their child repeats their play. To alleviate any concerns, it is developmentally appropriate for children to repeat play patterns until they are resolved. In Kaplan’s article, Dr. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, an expert in the child development field states, “I always look for some kind of change in play, If that change doesn’t occur—if the same troubling event is rehashed over and over, with the same outcome each time—intervention, or psychological attention, may be merited.” So, we can be reassured with the knowledge that these repetitive patterns in our children’s play are healthy unless there is no resolution or the child becomes distressed.
What kind of play should I be concerned about?
There are many themes that exist within a child's imaginary play. Some examples of the thematic play that parents often have concerns about include Death/Dying, Power/Control, Good vs. Evil, and Control and Safety. These themes may exist within play surrounding accidents, gun-play, medical play, illness, being frightened, and being stuck, to name a few. To alleviate any concerns, these themes are appropriate and understandable and are most likely being played out by all children around the world as a result of the difficulties the world is facing. Even my own children are currently focused on themes of Good vs. Evil and Death and Dying within their play. I am always made to be the monster or the Coronavirus that is out to get them. And. I. Always. Get. Defeated! Again, it is only when a child becomes distressed in their play, or when the patterns are repeated without resolution, that we should be concerned as parents.
What do I do if my child becomes distressed during their play?
As the Kaplan article suggests, when parents see true distress, which can include obsession and emotional distress in the child, parents can gently introduce new elements or coax the narrative in a new direction.
In my experience, parents report that they feel so uncomfortable when their child becomes distressed that they require more coaching when it comes to redirecting. Here is an outline of what I recommend to parents to assist. I call it the four R’s:
R - Regulate - As parents we can gently enter the play, provided we regulate ourselves first.
R - Reflect on what you have observed. “I can see that you are having big feelings.”
R - Respond with validation. “It must be hard for you to see your doll get crushed by the truck.”
R - Redirect the play gently by offering a hug, then stating, "Let's try this". Being able to redirect the play into something that results in the child becoming unstuck and being able to regain their power over the distressful situation. If the child refuses, do not enter a power struggle, but remain and hold space for them. Offer a hug or another deep pressure sensory based activity to help the child release distress and calm their nervous system.
Awareness of self is important
As parents we need to be aware of how our own biases and judgements can hinder our child’s play. We must ask ourselves these important questions, Am I bothered about the play that is unfolding? Am I becoming distressed, or am I observing my child being distressed? At times, parents can project their own emotions onto their child and stop their child’s healing play, which hinders the process taking place. Even as a child therapist, I have my own difficulties observing my child engage in play that involves weapons as this was never something that I engaged in as a child and my parents were not open to this play within our family home. There is a lot of internal work being done when my boys engage in this play so that I can leave them to process. By being aware of our own emotions and feelings about specific types of play, we can try to understand if it’s our need or the child’s need that we are meeting.
Hopefully this information will help parents feel more confident and in control when they are concerned for their child’s well being. Being aware of our own biases and having a clear direction on what to do when your child is distressed within play, will hopefully help your children heal through their distress.
If these steps are taken and you continue to see the distressing play in your child, I would encourage you to reach out to a licensed child/play therapist. It is never shameful to ask for help.
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